Friday, July 12, 2013

Who Wants To Watch Pretty Little Liars With Me?

Season Two: Episode Thirteen
The First Secret

Let me just start off by saying that I hate everything about this episode.  I think it was supposed to be the season two Halloween special and it is just terrifyingly awful and upsetting.  I'm pretty sure I cried during the opening credits.  I would advise against watching this at night by yourself.

It starts with some story of twin girls (who both happen to look like blonde versions of Teresa's daughter, Gia, on the Real Housewives of New Jersey) fighting over Barbie dolls.  Alison is telling it to some little boy in Hanna's kitchen.  One of the twins stabs her sister to death and gets sent to a crazy house.

Nope.  I'm already freaked out.  And a little confused about the twin thing.  This isn't going to turn out to be some Sweet Valley High sort of situation, is it?

No, Thank you!

The girls are discussing whether or not Hanna should dress up as CuteBritney or BaldBritney for Halloween.  Looks like we're going with CuteBritney.  ToothyBen wants Emily to dress up as a sexy cop.

Noel drives by and flirts with Aria.  Sort of.  Ali rains all over their parade by acting embarrassed that they're so excited about being invited to his Halloween party.

The girls walk by some house that looks haunted and old.

I don't remember them having this house on their street during the regular show.  Yeah, somebody was totally inside it though, because they just opened the door after the girls finished walking by.  And there's a car out front marked "Radley Sanitorium."  Perhaps referencing back to the sanitarium that the Stabby Twin was sent to?

Like Boo Radley!  Yay!

Emily finds Toby unloading a moving truck in front of his house.  He tells her that his dad got remarried and his new step-mom and step-sister are moving in.  So that's Jenna, then.  Sounds like she's already sunken her claws into Toby based on how sad he sounds.

Alison is in a costume shop, then Noel grabs her from behind and scares the shit out of all of us.

What the fuck kind of face is this?

Somebody they won't let us see is spying on Alison in here.

Jenna and Alison meet for the first time.  Seems like they already know about each other, though.

Is it just me, or does Jenna look waaaaaaay too old to be in high school?

Alison gets a blocked text from whoever is spying on her.  Then she gets creeped out by some mask guy.

Ian is filming Ali.  What for?  She's just talking about how her grandmother smells.

Melissa and Spencer come down the stairs all buddy/buddy.  Melissa is totally gushing over Spencer's speech for something.  Awww.  Why did Alison have to ruin this cute/nauseating relationship they had?

Aria is at Hollis, leaving a note for her dad.  Center Stage Jodi is lying on his couch reading a book.  I guess this must have been around the time that all started.

You can practically SMELL the desperation.

Hanna is watching a scary movie in her room by herself.  BAD idea.  Something scratches against her window.  Then her phone rings.  Oh hell no.  I hate when the lights flicker.  It's Alison on the phone by the way.  Asking if Hanna texted her at the costume shop.  Does she really think Hanna would be the type to do that?

The doorbell rings.  It's Dickface as a regular cop, dropping off Ashley, who is clearly a little too drunk to drive.  She's pretty depressed, so Tom must have just left.

ToothyBen has been telling all his friends that he and Emily had sex the weekend before.  She's not denying it.  Did they?

Mona wants to sit with them, but they ignore her, so she ends up sitting near Lucas.

Now the girls are discussing Emily's sex life.  Did she really have sex with Ben, though?  I's Ben.

Okay, now we're finally seeing some familiar stuff.  Like Aria and Alison catching Byron with Jodi.

Alison is in her room writing in her journal when Jason barges in.  He asks Ali for 20 bucks to buy beer.  She asks what kind of movie he's making, but he says he'd have to kill her.  They sure aren't acting like they hate each other.  He hands her a box that was on the proch, then leaves.

It's a voodoo doll.  She opens her A/C vent and pulls out a box.  I think it's the same box that Jason later gives Aria.  Yeah, because I see the same doll.  With a locket?  She pulls the locket out of the doll's neck and places the note from the voodoo doll inside instead.

I wonder if the doll in her box is supposed to be the same doll from the twin story?!  Ewwwwww, I'm starting to get freaked out!

Ashley is looking for a job in the newspaper.  Ugh, Dickface is at the door.  He wants to date.  Back off, loser.

What a dork.

Alison comes over to Spencer's house, where she reveals that Spencer may have lost the vote for whatever she's running for.  Class President?  I don't know, I didn't pay attention.  Alison is trying to turn Spencer against Melissa and I don't like it.  Just leave them alone!  I wonder how many of these girls' problems only exist because of Alison.  She offers to fix the vote for Spencer.  Just say no!

Aria comes home to find Byron in her room, waiting.  I really hated this whole situation, I wish we weren't having to relive it in this prequel.  Can't we just skip this part?

Alison is trying to help Emily get on the pill.  Is this a different day?  Okay, Emily says she and Ben didn't have sex.  I wonder why she's letting him get away with it?  Maybe she just doesn't want to appear gay because she hasn't been able to face it yet?

Yeah, it's definitely a different day, they're back at school and all in different clothes.

Ali almost lets it slip about Aria's parents.  Then Lucas spills something on her.

Lucas and Mona share a moment when Lucas says Alison will get what's coming to her.  Oh boy.

But hey, Spencer won the vote for whatever it was!

Ew!  The creepy mask guy was totally watching them from Spencer's yard!

Pizza's here!  God, I wish I could eat pizza.  Having your wisdom teeth out is the worst.

Alison tells Aria to get her shit together when it comes to her parents.  Cut her some slack, Ali.  Okay, now she's threatening to tell Aria's mom the truth if Aria doesn't come to the party with them.  I never understand Ali's motives.  Why is it such a big deal to her that Aria comes to this party?  She's got some huge issues!

Jenna also showed up as Lady Gaga, so suck it Ali.  Also, I keep seeing creepy mask guy around.  Mona shows up as cat woman and shows some confidence to Ali, who is too dumb to recognize her.

I'm really not enjoying this catty fighting between Alison and Jenna.

Wait, Mona and Jenna just acted like they might be friends.

Oh nice, Alison, waving around the fake ballots in the middle of the party.  Who is watching them?

Noel has apparently hidden all the alcoholic beverages in the woods?  What a stupid move.  AHHHHHH!  Scary Mask!  Fuck this fucking show!

Jenna is really into this song.  Like really, really into it.  And she's making eyes at Emily.

Now none of the girls can find Ali.  She sent them a group text that she's in trouble.  How the hell are they supposed to find her?  Oh, she gave them the address for the Boo Radley house.  Just call the cops.  If she's really in trouble she would need the cops.  Don't go in there by yourselves.  This is such a fucking trap.

Fine!  Don't listen!  But I warned you!

Creepy Mask is also in the house with them!

Please just get out of this house!  Even if it's not haunted, it looks condemned and could easily fall down around you.

Of course, they go upstairs, because that's logical.  And there's a fucking suit hanging up in one of the rooms.  What the fuck?  I'm so nauseous right now.  There's also a room with creepy dollhouses.

Alison is in a room upstairs acting all freaked out and saying she was grabbed by someone at the party with a knife.  Then why wouldn't she scream and call the police?

Okay now Ali might be getting attacked in the hallway by the creepy mask? And they are locked in that fucking room.

They climbed out the window?  I'm so confused right now.

Why would they fall for something like this?  And why is Ali such a bitch?  This is the part where you should stop being her friend immediately, you guys.  This totally wasn't funny, and somebody could have gotten hurt.

Melissa is at the party now too, as well as some other older kids.  There are people wearing that Creepy Mask all over this party.  Jenna is flirting with Detective Dickface.


Lucas was dressed as Creepy Mask!  But so is Noel.  And he doesn't know what the girls are talking about as far as the haunted house.

So A has been stalking Alison this whole time.  Man that's a popular costume this year.

Official Count
Coffee Sightings: 1
Flashback: The whole damn episode
Messages from A: 1

Until next time, Bitches!

All screencaps courtesy of Fanpop.

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