Saturday, July 6, 2013
Who Wants To Watch Pretty Little Liars With Me?
Season Two: Episode Twelve
Over My Dead Body
Ummm, the girls are covered in dirt and sitting in a room at the police station. Garrett is talking to someone and offering him a promotion?
Oh, hell no, it's Detective DickFace. What's he doing back here? It sounds like he's accusing Spencer, Aria and Hanna of murder. Where the hell is Emily?
Twelve Hours Earlier
The girls are on Dr. Sullivan's porch looking for her. She's not answering the door or her phone. Her voicemail says she's out of town on an emergency. Her mail and her newspapers haven't been picked up in at least a couple of days. Shouldn't they call the cops? They would actually not look suspicious this time. They would just have to say that Dr. Sullivan asked them to meet her at her office immediately and they haven't heard or seen from her since. But what do I know? I just work here.
Emily suddenly gets all giggly over a phone call from Maya. Ummm, what about your missing doctor, ladies? Isn't that the reason you're all here?
Hanna, Maya and Emily are all in Hanna's room and Emily asks Hanna to please get the hell out so that she can have some alone time with Maya. Maya wants to start over as friends and get to know Emily all over again. Okay.
Toby is at Spencer's house, on the phone with whoever is fixing his truck. Apparently the brake line was cut. Yeah, that's not good. Then they start talking about what their baby would look like. What?! Can you two NOT talk about kids right now? That is the last thing anybody needs.
Jason is taking down all his newspapers, so I guess he's done hiding whatever he was hiding in his house.
Toby brings up the subject of Spencer's dad and how crazy he was acting, but Spencer does not want to talk about it.
Hanna tries calling Dr. Sullivan again, but now her voicemail is full. Caleb's back! Good, because apparently Hanna really needed a moment to vent about how shitty things are lately.
Ezra is reading on the sofa in his office when Jackie wanders in. Ezra makes it a little clear that she wasn't invited. She's acting really awkward about old times. Aria sees the whole thing and starts to get all bummed out when she gets a picture text from A. It's a picture of Dr. Sullivan holding up that day's paper and it says she's still alive. Holy balls!
Okay, I guess this episode is progressing in a countdown sort of format, so I'll try to follow:
Ten Hours Earlier
There's a box at Spencer's house that's marked "Open or she dies..."
Will somebody please call the cops? I'm sure it would make her feel really nice to hear you all talking about how much she helped you right now, but there's a good chance she needs medical attention. Plus, you guys hardly confessed anything to her before she went missing.
In the box is one of those stupid ransom type notes with all the letters cut out of magazines.
Also, three creepy ass dolls. They all have necklaces with the girls names on them. Oh and they fucking talk.
Aria's says: "Make Jackie go away." With the doll is the evidence that the article Jackie is about to get published was plagiarized. There's a lot of plagiarism going on in this town.
Hanna's says: "Stop the wedding." Great.
Spencer's says: "Keep Toby safe." Well that's not hard, but why is Toby not safe? Except I guess it was A who cut Toby's breaks earlier. So this might be harder than I thought.
Emily doesn't have a doll. The other girls think she's lucky, but the fact that she doesn't have one seems a lot scarier to me.
I hate these fucking dolls. I want this episode to be over already.
They only have until 7pm to do whatever the dolls say.
Now we've switched back to the future or whatever.
Aria wants to make her one phone call. Garrett is handing some other cop Alison's autopsy report, which is still missing page five. Aria is led out past Garrett to make her phone call. Why is she wearing a party dress?
She's crying a lot on the phone, saying she made a terrible mistake. Who is she calling, Ezra?
Six hours earlier
Aria knocks on the door of Jackie's office. Jackie starts off a little bitchy, but then Aria hands her the plagiarized article right away.
Oh yeah, Jackie, do you still want to act like a bitch?
She asks Aria what she wants and Aria tells her to leave Hollis. Then she apologizes. Don't apologize! I hope she didn't just give Jackie her only copy of that evidence.
Those are some giant earrings.
Five Hours earlier
Hanna and Emily are in Hanna's bedroom. Oh, I guess they are getting all dressed up for Hanna's dad's wedding. Hanna apologizes to her dad for the night before, and he seems to forgive her pretty easily.
Spencer and Toby are in his truck and they both look like crap. I guess Spencer's going to do that stupid thing where you break up with someone to protect them. There's got to be a better way to do this. Can't she just fake that she needs him to do something for her out of town? That would keep him away from A, at least until 7pm.
Oh, yeah, run away. That's real mature. It probably didn't even work. She only ran about half a block, so he might still be looking at her while she's crying against that tree. And Wren just saw her, so that's going to complicate things.
Aria's all dressed up for the wedding. Apparently things went pretty well for Mike at the therapist's office. At least someone might turn out alright around here.
Doorbell. It's Jackie. She's refusing to leave Hollis and threatening to reveal Ezra and Aria's relationship if Aria reveals the truth about her article. How could you let her turn it around on you, Aria? You're as bad at blackmail as you are at lying.
Emily's GPS is acting up.
Oh gross, there's a doll in the backseat. It says, "I'm taking you to her, go alone."
There's a press conference or something. Spencer is looking really creepily at the two way mirror.
Four Hours Earlier
Wren is over at Spencer's. He drove her home. He's clearly trying to be cute and flirtatious, but it's mostly just annoying me. Now he's kissing her. Just go away, Wren. You're making everything worse.
Here we are again at the only damn church in town. Why are Tom and Isabel getting married in Rosewood? Why did Isabel pick brown as her main color? Why is nobody listening to me?
"That's a very pretty dress. But you should know it gives you back fat." I love Caleb so much right now, I could die.
Hanna gets a warning text about Dr. S running out of air as Emily pulls up to a barn that her self-aware GPS led her to.
Whose barn is this?
Blah, blah, blah, wedding vows.
Hanna interrupts the ceremony to ask Isabel if she can talk to her. Isabel looks appropriately confused as fuck, but agrees to have some private time with Hanna. Aria and Spencer try to sneak out of the chapel so they can prepare to be Hanna's get away car, but there's only ten people here, so everyone notices.
Hanna spills the beans to Isabel about her parents doing it a couple weeks ago. You know, I realize this was supposed to be a mean plan of A's, but it's good of Hanna to reveal the truth to Isabel. If I were Isabel, I would not want to marry a man who had just had sex with is ex wife.
Hanna is rewarded for her honesty with an address from A. I'm guessing it's the address of the barn that Emily is currently visiting.
Speaking of Emily, she's poking around the outside of the barn, but there's no sign of the Dr.
When she opens the barn, it's pretty hazy. That's because there's a car on, leaking exhaust into the barn.
Oh, shit and Emily just got shut in the barn with the car. The car is locked by the way. Break one of the car windows so you can turn it off, Em! Banging around on the doors is going to use up all your remaining air!
Toby is super pissed and won't leave the police station. He wants Spencer to know he loves her.
Three hours earlier
Emily has passed out and someone opens the barn door and drags her out.
She wakes up. She's lying in Alison's lap.
So, hallucination? Or she's dead.
Alison claims to miss Emily the most, becuase she's her favorite. For me, it's a contest between her and Hanna.
Alison says she knows who A is. I wish she would just fucking tell them. Don't you think you owe them something for being such a shitty friend, Ali?
Oh, this is one of those things where Emily can choose to live or not. Alison kisses her before she wakes up for real.
She's delusional, right? Alison wasn't really here.
Emily is led into the room where the other girls have been.
Mariska Hargitay wants to see Spencer now and Mr. Hastings is pissed and yells at Jason who has just arrived. He claims to be protecting Jason. Jason has something on Mr. Hastings. Something that Ali told him.
Garrett just came face to face with A, and said he/she shouldn't be there.
Two hours earlier
The girls discover a shovel with latitude/longitude coordinates next to the barn.
There's a tube coming out of the ground. This is just like that movie Guarding Tess, when Shirley MacLaine was buried in the ground and just barely alive and Nicholas Cage had to dig her out!
Oh my God, the girls are freaking out and so am I.
The body under the ground is fake. It was a set up. What the fuck?
Mr. Hastings is trying to calm down all the other parents, because Mariska is with the girls now.
Ezra shows up, because of Aria's phone call I guess. Ella tells him off, but I think she's talking about Spencer still. And Ezra is clearly talking about Aria. Oh yeah, she just mentioned Spencer. Ezra is super confused.
In the conference room, the girls are asking Mariska how Dickface was allowed to come back.
Garrett and Jenna are talking in another conference room. I think they might be about to have sex in there. So they DID send Jason that note the night Ali disappeared.
Dickface is claiming that the murder weapon used to hit Ali was the shovel the girls had. What?
Garrett gives Jenna page five of the autopsy and asks her to burn it when she gets home.
Dr. Sullivan is sitting in some diner. With A, who we can't see. She says she's done everything A asked. A gives her a manila envelope and she leaves in disgust.
The waitress calls A "Pretty Eyes." Who do we know that has pretty eyes?
Coffee Sightings: 1
Messages From A: 3
Until next time, Bitches!
All screencaps courtesy of Fanpop.